The Malay Girl Who Knows Nothing

Because today, like any other day is just the same for me. I am beat up. If I could donate my life to someone I would do so. So I won't have to repeat these days anymore. So that I could put a stop to it. I am bad person and I try to be a good one but all of my effort seems goes to waste. If you were there Allah. Help me please. I know you were there. You always have can't you see me struggling with life?? Can't You help me please? I am fucking weak and depressed. I wanted Your help. But I don't know where were You. I try to find You but it seems I don't get any of answer for my previous calls. I don't want to think that bad but my heart is questioning things that I shouldn't or the things that I'd already know the answer.. You know how my head is playing trick with me. Its messed up with my mind.

I don't understand what you want. I don't understand what you said to me. What do you really want from me? Why are you doing this to me? Do you want me to die? Do you want me to kill myself? Because I am confused. I'm always confused and tired. I want you to let me go. Let me be free. For once let me be free. And I'm not longer be a burden for you.

Tho I think I like girls, I also think that I am capable of loving a man. Yes there's isn't anyone right now to be honest I am single. But I'm not rushing to get into a relationship with anyone. Love is beautiful and it takes time to grow, to bloom and spark like a fireworks I believe in that way even though there might be no such thing as that. Feeling can't grow instantly, it take stages to build up. It can't be force and we can't fake it either way. I want someone to love me whole heartedly. I want someone who listen to me and try to understand me. I want a considerate and tolerable person that ask how I was doing simply because I want to be that person. I want to be a person that understand and listen to what my lover wants to say. I want to know every details because of how caring I am. I want to be there and even if we had problems we can settle it by having a civilized talk. You know what I mean?

I like girls. But I can't. I would never cross the line. I would never tell anyone about it. I would do nothing about it. I would act like nothing happen. I would just ignore what I feel. And me and my heart would be fine. If I die, if I ever go to heaven, Then I would claim my angel. If only I could make a deal with You. But how would I know. This world is my sacrifice. I don't want to be doomed like them.

I like girls. But I can't. I would never cross the line. I would never tell anyone about it. I would do nothing about it. I would act like nothing happen. I would just ignore what I feel. And me and my heart would be fine. If I die, if I ever go to heaven, Then I would claim my angel. If only I could make a deal with You. But how would I know. This world is my sacrifice. I don't want to be doomed like them.

The dark side of me always pulling me down. Telling me to just give up but I know I can't because its not what I really want. I can't be selfish. I can't just run away if things goes wrong. This is life. This is what I'm asking for. I had a hard time in my life yes, but most of my life is full of great things that had happened and I'm not regretting any of it. I don't want to put an end to it because tho I felt hopeless there's always someone that inspire me to be good. To believe in Allah. To have faith to Him. And I can't let that go. I can't just forget all the good things that I had before. He gave me something to hold on to it and how can I be so cruel to myself. Even though no one is loving me, the fact that I know He would always love me makes me want to live by a second more, minutes, days or years to make it up for all of my mistakes, to be a better person and do something good not only for me but for anyone else and remember it to the day I...